The Daily Life of a Greek God (and how reality TV is not new):
Ares switches sides during a battle and fights for the Trojans, rather than the Greeks, like he said he would. The Greeks fall back, for the hero Diomedes is unwilling to fight against a god (unless it's Aphrodite, since what is she going to do? Kiss him to death?).
Most of the gods are still in Olympus, enjoying the spectacle.
Hera: "Athena, this is awful. We have to do something; we can't let Ares get away with this, him and his rages."
Athena: "Oh, agreed. Be with you in a second. I have to change, go get my Gorgon-headed armor––ready now."
They drive their chariots, Hera's wrought in gold and Athena's on fire, toward Zeus, who is sitting on the clouds, watching the mêlée below.
Hera: "Zeus-dear, isn't Ares being annoying? Can I go knock him out of there?"
Zeus glances at them. "Eh, yes. But put Athena on him. She's always been better at riling him up."
Hera whips her horses to speed, lands in the skirmish, and disguises herself as a Greek. Athena, no less quickly, follows, but comes up to the wounded and fatigued Diomedes, quite obviously herself. She grabs his reigns and speaks.
Athena: "Diomedes, you're a bit of a coward, you know. Here you are, sitting and nursing your wounds, either lazy or paralyzed with fear. I knew your dad––great guy, a bit of a loudmouth and never thought ahead of time, but a great guy––anyway, your dad would be out there right now, whacking those Trojans about the place. But you're here. Like a coward. What have you to say for yourself?"
Diomedes: "Oh, Athena. Yes, I know it's you––goddess aura and all––but that was rude, and here's why. You told me not to fight gods (except for Aphrodite, but then . . . seriously, it's Aphrodite). Ares is out there, so we've fallen back a bit. Lay off, I'm obeying your orders."
Athena: "Okay, okay. I get it. But hey, I'm here now, don't stress––let's go kick some god-butt. See Ares, right there? Aim your horses at him, and let's get that shifty lout. The gods upstairs don't like him right now anymore than you do." Athena pushes Diomedes' chariot-driver off and steps in his place; she covers her face with Hades' helmet, so Ares could not recognize her.
Ares is covered in the gore of Greeks. After he kills them, he steals their armor. He glances up and sees Diomedes, headed straight for him, so he drops one dead Greek and lobs a spear at Diomedes. Athena deflects the spear and magically helps Diomedes' spear bite deep into Ares' stomach.
Ares yells so loudly that both armies hears the reverberation and feel the echoes in their guts. He stops his sobs and flies to Olympus, where he sits and whines beside his father Zeus.
Ares: "Daddy, all this violence! Look at us, the gods, fighting amongst the men––and we get the worst of it all. And Athena, well, look at her. Why did you have to give birth to that madwoman? Seriously. She's always breaking the rules *sniffle, sniffle* and doing things we can't do, or you'd kill us *sniffle, sniffle*. But you let the brat do whatever she wants, because she's your little grey-eyed little girl. And look at my stomach! She got that Diomedes to spear me––see this, this immortal blood, immortal ocher, running from my bleedin' guts! Her doing. If it hadn't been for my footwork, my amazing warrior prowess, I would be dead now––laying among dead humans––rotting, bleeding, dying."
Zeus: "Shut up, you shifty lout. Don't sit here and whine like a little girl. We all hate you, here on Olympus. You're just like your mother, my wife, that annoying hard-headed Hera. If it weren't that you were the son of the high goddess of heaven, I honestly would have sent you below even Tartarus long ago. Now, go, you big baby, and get your boo-boo fixed. I can't stand your whining."
Ares then was cured by the healer Paieon, his pain eased, the gore bathed from him. The goddess Hebe dressed him prettily, and he sat down beside Zeus––washed, pampered, probably after a manicure––to watch the show.
*The Iliad, by Homer, translated by Stanley Lombardo; some places taken verbatim
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